I’m going to be very honest here. I started this blog last summer as a way of coping with my depression. As I graduated college, I was so unbelievably sad. On what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life thus far, I was so, so, sad. And maybe it didn’t show, but maybe that was part of the problem.
My first post was called The Plan To Happiness, and in it I discussed the feelings I had toward my life prior to graduating college and how much that changed after. I thought I had it all, I thought my plan was working. I had a million friends, a beautiful family, an internship I was crazy about, the beginnings to a writing career, and a boyfriend I had been with forever. Like I said, I really believed I had it all. The only thing that was missing was my happiness, and until I came out of my denial – I would have lied and told you I had that too.
The truth is, I was absolutely miserable. It was like the red flag they warn you about in a bad situation, except it was planted in my gut.
So what did I do? Over the next 12 months, I shed every bit of that bullsh*t plan to being happy. I started my life all over. If you want to know more about that, feel free to read the rest of my blog. But I’m going to cut to the chase.
Growing up I was the easiest going, free-spirit you’d ever known. And come graduation day, that girl was so far out of reach – she was a distant memory. I sit here now and I look back and I do not even recognize the person I was a year ago. I was lost, insecure and so unbelievably scared of my future. So within a matter of months, I quit my job in the city with 0 plan and booked a trip to Europe. It sounds so cliche and glamorous – I promise you that was the furthest thing from what I felt.
What I felt was that everyone else had it together but me. I thought I had made a huge mistake. Should I have quit my job? Should I have not moved back home after college? Should I have taken that other job? Should I have stayed with my boyfriend? Should I just forget about this writing sh*t and look for something that will actually make me money? These were the things that would keep me up for months, and I couldn’t take it. The feelings were unbearable and most days I would just end up in tears.
It wasn’t until I applied to grad school and got into my masters program that I felt this burden go away. I finally spent those two weeks in Europe and two months later I landed a paid-freelance writing position. Looking back, it felt like all those things had to leave my life in order to make room for something bigger and greater. And although those experiences and opportunities before were so difficult – I understand why.
And that is because for the first time in about 5 years, I feel like myself again. I feel ok in my skin, I feel ok with who I am, and I feel confident in the decisions I made a year and a half ago because I wouldn’t be where I am right now in this moment without them. And this moment is filled with clarity and truth, this moment is filled with gratitude.
So what I want to say is thank you to every single person who has read my writing and reached out to me over the last year with not just words of encouragement, but words of gratitude to me for putting my life out there. I started this blog to learn how to be transparent and honest with myself, I never had any idea that people would be messaging me asking for advice or telling me I impacted them. And I seriously don’t even know what to say except, thank you. In so many ways you are the reason my life feels like my own again. You’re the reason I realized my passion for using my words to help others and you’re the reason I am now pursuing my career in social work.
They say the only place you can go from rock bottom is up – I’m here to tell you that is the absolute truth if you let it be. Falling in love isn’t for boys, it’s for yourself and for your life. Picking the “right” career isn’t about doing what will make you the most money, it’s about doing what makes your heart full every single damn day.
And most importantly: Being happy has nothing to do with a plan, but everything to do with doing exactly what you want.
So thank you from the bottom of my heart,