#28: The Nice List

Merry Christmas, everyone!

This year, I was on the nice list.

The other day my best friend told me that I go about things in a way that’s “too nice” sometimes. Here I thought I was crazy – but turns out I have a double life as a girl that’s too nice, too.

I’m the kind of person who not everything you say to me sticks. But when it does stick, it’s probably because it got me thinking about something beyond what I’ve thought about.

I remember the day I realized I should tell the people who are taking my order, my actual order and not my dad because a guy at Carvel once said “tell me, not him.” It’s things like that. They seem like nothing, but something in me clicks. I have these moments with a lot of people. It usually shows me their character, or it brings up something in mine. 

So when my best friend says I’m too nice, it gets me thinking.

I already knew why she thought I was being too nice in this particular situation, but I also already know my thoughts about being too nice because I’ve thoroughly figured out why I am the way I am.

That’s what a lifetime of therapy gets you – more self-awareness than most people.

But no really, on a more serious note is what I have realized is, everyone operates differently. This sounds like such an easy concept but I don’t think everyone gets what that really means. It means we all have walked different walks, we’ve all been through different things, and we all get through them differently. So to me and my perception and how I like to go about things, no – I don’t think I’m too nice. But I always do and say what I feel is best for me, and most importantly – my conscience.

My attitude is this: I’m a good person. I am a nice person. And 9 times out of 10, you will be shocked by my under-reaction to things. I’ve pretty much conditioned myself to stay contained and calm during something that can become a real episode for me if it doesn’t. What I mean by episode is hello people, I have bipolar disorder. In case it wasn’t clear already – my moods are already out of whack without triggers.

I have gone through years of therapy in order to become a person who has this ability to stay calm when their chemical imbalance is trying to take over and overreact. For me, being “too nice” is a sign of accomplishment in my personal investment.

And here’s how I see it. I am far from a pushover. I have 0 issues with confidence and respecting myself, but part of my idea of self respect – is staying true to my character.

Have I been too nice and been pushed over in the end? Yes, name me someone who hasn’t at some point. But that was out of fear, not out of ignorance for the situation. The fear of acting out in a way I can’t take back.

I’m going to be a nice person to everyone regardless of what you say, think, and feel toward me, or how you treat me. I feel this way because how you treat me shouldn’t be reflected in how I treat you. How I treat you should be a clear reflection of me. I would rather speak calmly, nicely and to the point with someone I have an issue with because I have seen what happens time and time again when two people scream, curse, speak meanly and act spitefully to one another. Moral of that story? You get no where. People destroy relationships and burn bridges this way.

I would rather sit there, be considered “too nice” when people show their true character – while I sit back and show mine.

In the past, I have been really mean and spiteful back to someone when they’ve treated me poorly and guess what came of that? Nothing. Two people who are now just doing the same shit back and forth to each other. And guess what comes out of that when you’re like me and you’re just being mean because you don’t want to be “too nice?”

Guilt. A lot of it.

At this point in my life, my clear conscience means more to me than being mean to someone just to make a point to them, that will do nothing for me. This doesn’t mean I’m sitting there saying “yes ma’am” or “okay, sir” but it means that I’m not going to do anything mean. I will be stern, I will be to the point, and I wont be beating around any bushes. But I’m not going to be mean, because that’s immature. I rather give someone the benefit of the doubt while I remain skeptical and allow them to either prove themselves or dig their own grave. That leaves the responsibility off of me.

I have had so much guilt in my life from reactions that didn’t come from me, but from me being so angry that a person thought they could one-up me, that I felt like the only way I’d get a reaction out of them was to stoop down to their level.

That’s not me. At my core, I’m so nice that it hurts me more to be mean when I don’t want to be. If I have even a slight bit of respect to you, I’m going to be nice. And I will even apologize if I feel I’ve been mean in my argument to you when you’ve wronged me. That’s because what I’m trying to do is stick to the actual problem and not add on to more by fighting you and being a bitch.

I have to say, I haven’t always been this way. This conflict-avoidant person. But I will also admit that some people have brought out the worst in me because of the ways that they’ve treated and manipulated me into reacting back. But for the most part, I am nice.

If being someone who treats others in a way that keeps their conscience clean is considered too nice, so be it. I’m never going back to that place where I treat someone how they’ve treated me or in retaliation to a situation. Because that place eventually becomes your home, that place can consume you. And that place is a place that made me question who I was – and what my integrity as a person is.

I never want that again. I never want to walk out of a situation and wonder what if I had kept my cool and reacted better? What if I did the right thing regardless of how they treated me? What if that stress was more than the stress I initially stared with? Guilt isn’t fun. I can handle a lot, but guilt or question of character isn’t one of them.

So if I’m too nice, I’ll take it. I rather take shit from someone else, than take shit from myself.

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