You never think it’ll happen to you.
That’s the thing about life, and time, and the shit that hits the fan. You just never think it’ll happen to you. And that’s not such a bad thing, because maybe we all need to get swept off our own feet every now and then. To remind ourselves that we’re human, and that nothing, no matter how much we plan – is in our control.
A year ago I wrote about changing up my comfort zone.
How 2017 would be the year I accepted new norms in a life I created for myself. I promised myself I wouldn’t get caught up in too much of the things that already were, the things that couldn’t be changed. It is what it is, at the end of the day. Moving forward, taking next steps, that’s part of what can be controlled.
Often times in the summer I go to Greece to see more of my family who I don’t get to see otherwise. Whenever I say don’t worry – I’ll see you next year. My family and friends always respond with “prota o theos” which means – first God, in its literal meaning but can mean God willingly. In simpler terms – or for those non religious people – it means there might be a plan for us otherwise. It means you never know the next plan, whether by God or whatever else comes your way.
And if there’s any lesson I’ve learned in the past few years and have tried to apply to my life this year – it’s to take life day by day. You really don’t know what today holds, you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. You cannot plan what you want your life to be like or what you want to happen to you, or what you don’t.
Part of having a mood disorder is feeling this uncontrollable guilt that everything is your fault, because of your mood disorder. It’s like oh that probably happened because I did this, and if I didn’t do that because of being hyper or because I was depressed, it would have never turned out this way.
Some people, will always make you feel like it is your fault. All of it. We call those people assholes. Because it’s not true. It will never be true. I’m still working on this, but bear with me.
I recently fell into a conflict with myself over my own personal responsibility. At first, I was so eager to blame myself – I was so eager to say you fucking did it Irene! Congratulations, you’re an idiot. Until I realized that this particular problem actually wasn’t all, entirely, on me. This particular issue actually had no blame – it was just a series of mistakes that could have ended up worse, but didn’t. It was the lack of responsibility among multiple people, myself included. It was a simple it is what it is, once it was all over.
There’s this thing about these situations though – you never think you’re going to end up in them. You never think you’d be so careless, you never think you’d forget to do something, you never realize how much better you don’t always know.
But that’s the thing about living this life. You’re learning every day.
You never think it’ll happen to you. And then one day it does.
One day you’re at the funeral of a person you thought would be at your wedding.
One day you think you can start planning your wedding, and then you break up.
One day you’re making a decent salary at your dream job, and the next day it’s not your dream job.
One day you think you’re ready to start your life, the next you’re back in school changing it up.
One day you’re driving with the windows down singing at the top of your lungs thinking life could never be too bad.
The next day can be the day that determines if you even want to keep going.
That’s the thing about life. That’s the thing about the unlikely. The things we never think will happen, but do.
Is it weird that the unlikely, are the things that make me feel most alive? Remind me every day that I am a person; I am living, breathing, making it through this life, regardless?
I know it seems like I’m talking about two different things – but I’m not. The things that we never think will happen to us – they’re usually the most unlikely ideas to us. So that’s what I know.
I know I’m attracted to the unlikely,
And maybe that’s part of having a mood disorder. That I like the ups and downs because they feel the most familiar, but maybe that’s also just part of being me. Maybe thats a part of my threshold for how much stress I can handle.
I also feel this weird connection to people who have left me at my most vulnerable. I feel like once it’s all over, they’ve actually seen me. They now know me in a way that those who I just see with on a day to day don’t.
I haven’t decided if that’s an unhealthy feeling to have yet – but I’ll figure that out, too.
Maybe I like to feel and to be reminded I’m just like everyone else. In a world that constantly tells us that we’re all so different, so special, so unique – aren’t some of the best moments in this life the ones where we realize we’re just the same? Where we realize you are you and I am me, and that might mean more for us together as similar beings than us as two completely different individuals.
And maybe in some of that sameness, we’ll find what makes us human. What makes us part of the unlikely.