Update: I said about a week or so ago that I could feel a manic episode happening.
In the past, like two years ago, I would have self destructed.
Two years ago, I would have done something regrettable. I would have said the wrong thing or acted out, I wouldn’t have been myself. I would have started a fight or broke something. I would have found someone to take my anger out on, or a boy to entertain me for a few hours. I would have begun to max out a credit card or two – I would have been completely, undeniably, manic.
I would have. But I don’t anymore.
The thing is, I know who I can become. I’m actually terrified of that girl because she is so bold and excited about everything – she has no grip on reality. She’s so fun and exciting and wonderful and determined and everyone loves her. The only person who doesn’t is her. So I guess that’s my catch.
I think people get this sense of me that I’m so in tune with life because I’m self-aware and I write everything out and seem to have a really clear grasp on reality. I literally get emails and messages with people who spill their life to me in the middle of the night and ask for help and I’m just in complete shock. Why? Because two years ago I was probably in a bar wasted at 1:30AM, looking for my next fix. Whether that was another shot, a trip to the bathroom, or another boy – I was looking for my fix.
I don’t miss that girl at all because as fun and exciting and lovable as she could be, I don’t miss the consequences she left me with.
But sometimes when I feel euphoria coming, I know she’s just a few hours of self-destruction away – and I almost want that high. I want to know what being alive feels like one more time.
But I don’t anymore want that anymore. Because feeling alive that one more time, only means I’ll feel the death too.
Like I said, I’m terrified of that place. And I’m too good a person to let anyone, including myself – believe otherwise. I know how kind I am, I know how caring I can be, and I know how much I love to love. But that girl, she is so incapable of that. She is nothing like me. She is jealous of this version of me. And I know that too.
The truth is, I had to create my grasp on mania by learning from my mistakes. The very many that I have made involving my health and mental wellness. I set myself up for self-destruction so many times, I can pretty much pin point now when it’s coming. So I retreat. I watch my credit cards, I watch my social behaviors, I watch my thought processes and I’m careful with what I take on. It’s hard. But it’s doable.
I think there’s this idea of what we can and can’t control and how those things are always black and white. In my life, I’ve learned that I can’t control my chemical makeup. I can’t control a single thing about that. But I can control how well I take care of myself, how well I communicate with others and within myself, and how much I can recognize is hurting me before it’s too late.