Another day, another Instagram post of someone being engaged, or someone being head over heels in love. Since I can’t really relate at the moment, I realized I wanted to write about not being in love.
Nothing came to my mind that seemed easy to spell out. All that came to me were a compilation of these moments in my own life that passed and held meaning to me because they represented everything that contradicted being in love. Whether it was because the relationship was casual and passionate, but never love, or because I was so far into love and these moments were me slowly falling out of it. There is no black and white answer or one meaning to what not being in love is, there are just these raw, candid, moments of my life that showed me.
23 Moments of Not Being In Love
1. You always thought I was funny.
So you must have thought I was kidding,
When I said I wouldn’t stay.
2. In the backseat of the car,
I could only think about restraints.
What kept me from telling you to stop –
And the seatbelt digging into my spine.
3. I flew my body across the world,
And saw the place we snuck off to.
Only to find my heart stayed behind
Like it never knew.
4. When I blew out my candles,
You stared at me.
Like you knew I was wishing for the thing,
I hadn’t found in you.
5. I said I was sorry,
But I meant it for me.
I knew what I had intended for you.
6. We were a few drinks in,
On the same city streets, six years too late.
How ironic that he would take the Path to see me,
Only to pave the path –
For everyone that had followed him.
7. You used my words against me,
And pretended you meant them,
8. I woke up next to you,
Rolled away from the sun,
And texted him good morning.
9. You showed up at 2AM unannounced,
Just to say you love me.
No one saw you when you came,
No one saw you when you left.
I wished I hadn’t seen you either.
10. I cried when you left,
Our timer was up and you said goodbye –
The only thing we had seen coming, was you going.
11. I stumbled backwards onto my couch,
Only to look up at the same arms that held me on it,
Just moments before.
12. I was standing against his kitchen counter,
When someone asked if I was okay –
I was about to pour my heart out,
but I chose a drink instead.
13. You would say it’s your favorite number,
And I would remind you that it’s also my favorite number backwards.
Funny, how we always saw the same things differently.
14. I was in his apartment,
And I would have been fine.
But when he turned on the lights,
It woke up my conscience.
15. I slept with my back to you.
It gave me comfort to know that you’d be facing the scar from stabbing it,
As I let you lay next to me again.
16. I made us eggs after a blurry night,
You argued that I shouldn’t use oil –
I argued that you should just worry about your appetite for me.
16. You told me you would wait for me,
And as much as I wanted to tell you I’d be back –
I was waiting for me, too.
17. I loved the way you got angry,
And the way that bottle shattered across your basement floor.
I was always left picking up the pieces.
18. They say ignorance is bliss –
But so are the late night conversations,
Where we pretend we’re ready to open up again.
19. I once said that truth about my bed
Is that you used to lay here too.
And that the truth about your bed,
Is that you made it.
20. As much as your soul wanted to heal mine,
I knew it never could.
I selfishly wanted to lay on my back,
and watch you go down trying.
21. I looked you in the eyes,
And I whispered, I believe you.
You looked me in the eyes
And realized you taught me how to lie.
22. I locked eyes with another stranger.
They all begin as a stranger in your world,
Until they make you a stranger in your own.
23. You held my hand and spoke about religion,
How you believed God brought me to you.
I wondered if it that’s why it was so hard to leave –
I was praying I could finally go,
While you were praying I’d always stay.