#13 Love Me or Leave Me: My Life is Not An Audition to be Liked by a Man

If you haven’t noticed, I have no filter and I’ve learned to accept that about myself.

Besides having no filter I can be a bit of a party girl, I always have about 10 stories lined about about any topic you can think of and I actually really like this about myself. I’m 22 and I can say that up until now my life has fallen nothing short of expectations. I am truly blessed.

I will say that my mouth gets my into trouble sometimes, and so do my actions – just like anyone else. Without a doubt, I am positive I have written or said things that people have seen and not been thrilled about but at the same time if you ask me if I care the answer is no and I will tell you why.

It’s because one day you wake up and realize that in this life there are going to be people who aren’t your number one fan for whatever reason, and then there are going to be people who love you no matter what you say or do. So when I say what I say and do what I do, it’s actually helping me weed out who matters and who simply never did.

The bottom line is:

What I say and what I do is not part of some unspoken audition for society to like me, or even tolerate me. What I say and what I do are just who I am and a full representation of all that I stand for.

Girls, ladies, women, more than anyone else on this earth are made to believe that they have to fit a mold of what it means to be a lady. We’re told not to say or do too much because GOD FORBID we have a thought process or opinion that’s out of line with the mans, God forbid we think too hard and learn to live for ourselves, and God Forbid we learn that if we do anything to oppose “the man” one day he might just lose his power for good.

But did you ever think about it? These are the same men who sweat over us the second we walk through the door? The same ones who behind closed doors say “how high?” when we say “jump.”

I might be getting judged for saying this right now – but tell me not, isn’t it true?

My life isn’t an audition for a man to want me or even like me for that matter. I have a dad, he thinks I’m great and actually supports my every word and action whether it’s inappropriate or questionable or good and true. So if he doesn’t care and I don’t care… why would I care if anyone else does?

So funny story (which will explain where all of this is coming from), when I was 17 I really wanted a boyfriend. I have no idea why but I think I was just tired of making out with drunk guys on basement couches and getting into fights with girls I went to high school with over bullshit that I did to pass time and not because I actually gave a shit about any of them – sorry.

I wanted to cuddle, have dinner, talk and do nothing with someone. I wanted to fall in love and I wanted to be so consumed by another person that I would feel something for a change.

Well I will tell ya – be careful what you wish for! My wish was granted but it was because I changed my life into an audition. Which is why I am now so so so against it.

That’s right at the ripe age of 17 I convinced myself that I was “too much” for a guy to want to have anything more than a few drunk make out sessions with me. I was convinced that at 17 it was time to look for a “serious bf” and “tone it down.”

Yes. I was serious. And yes I now think I was probably fucking insane too.

So anyway, I decided my curly hair was too much – time to straighten it so I can look like every other cute white girl I knew. I decided I was too loud (I still am) – so around the guys I liked I would tone it down. I even told myself I went out too much on the weekends with my friends and decided to play designated driver for a little while.

In my head this was all justified. I turned my life into an audition for Irene’s next boyfriend. It was exhausting. So exhausting that looking back I almost forgot I did this until I remembered now that I did.

I don’t know what convinced me at 17 that I needed a boyfriend or that I should start looking for my future husband/baby daddy. I don’t know what in the world possessed me to believe that I needed to change so much about myself for a guy to want me.

(DISCLAIMER: BOYS ALWAYS LIKED ME REGARDLESS OF THIS, I WAS JUST BLIND)

But at the time it seemed to have worked – I found my boyfriend. But this isn’t about him, at all. This is about me and everything that makes what I did so wrong on my own end, and why it’s so against everything I stand for today.

I remember blowing out my curly hair before our first date just so that he would think I looked put together. I remember being “shy” in the car ride home and not kissing him just so I could play the nice girl when when I know for a fact I am not shy by any means and really just wanted to make out in the backseat of his rover (jk it was his dad’s truck.) I remember pretending like I really didn’t drink or party or anything at all (he would eventually change me when I peed my pants) but overall I pretended to be someone I truly was not in order to convince someone I could be someone’s girlfriend.

Now I have 0 regrets about this relationship so please don’t read this as that at all. But what I will say is that so often girls and women are so focused on being something they’re not for a guy to think they’re the “cool girl” or “wife material” and what I really want to tell every girl who does this is one simple thing: stop.

Because guess what? One day you’re going to get really tired of playing the role of whoever it is you are trying to be. One day you’re not gonna want to blowout your hair anymore, one day you’re going to feel like you’re actually not so shy and one day you’re gonna show the world the true flower child you are meant to be and guess what? That is so okay you have no idea. I promise.

Eventually the real you will come out baby boo, and this person will either love you or leave you for it. But how shitty will you feel if they leave after realizing who you really are? I got lucky, this person liked me regardless and maybe that’s what it means to love someone, you know? You actually accept each other for everything you are regardless of where you’ve come from since the first impressions. But I know people who have changed who they are and did not have such a great outcome and were left in a downward spiral of self-loathing that was created by their need to please a man.

They convinced themselves they were the problem, and by changing they could also be the solution. Before judging them I realized, I had done the same thing in the past.

As girls and women we are meant to believe that our worth comes from being wanted, specifically by the male species when these assholes don’t even have enough blood to pump their brain and dick at the same time.

I’m serious. You ever lay there under a guy (clothed or unclothed) and just ask him if he’s okay? Usually you’ll hear back like half a mumble and then some shortened breathing and it’s like OK I GUESS YOU’RE FINE IF I CAN HEAR YOUR PULSE, REMIND ME TO NEVER USE THIS TIME TO TALK AGAIN.

The point is we shouldn’t have to tone it down. We shouldn’t have to treat our lives as an audition for the guys or even people who we want to like us. You should be your truest self.

Now, again I’m not saying first impressions don’t matter and I get wanting to be your best you when talking to someone or meeting them for the first time, but what I am saying is that eventually who you actually are catches up to you. Who you actually want to be will come through and the only one who is going to be more shocked by the outcome is not those around you or the person you’re trying to impress, but you yourself.

So make that raunchy comment, and let your hair be untamed. The right people will come and stay. That I promise too.

 

 

 

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