I have a love hate relationship with social media. I love speaking my mind on Twitter and getting that “like” when I say something witty or agreeable. I love posting my best pictures to Instagram and getting comments on the fact that my hair color has changed (again) or showing what I’m up to. I like when I can look at the timeline of my friends lives on Facebook and I love the rawness of Snapchat. It’s clear that I don’t mind sharing my life, especially through this blog – and if you want to follow me on anything just search @irenekoutz.
But anyway, none of it is really real you know? I mean you can sit there and look at anyone’s social media pages and suddenly have this idea about who they are or what they’re about but that picture is one snap shot of their life. You really have no idea what led up to that or what came after. You don’t really have a clue about anything. It’s like that old phrase, believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Everything has two sides. That goes for arguments and even your social media posts.
It’s sad that people sit and compare their lives or the filters they use and who got the most likes. It’s fucked up, I’ll see people on Instagram take pictures with their friends who I know they were talking badly about to me last week, and I’ll see couples “in love” where I know the guy is still talking to his ex (see: Fuckboys)
But I realized I do the exact same thing. Earlier this year I went through the roughest patch of rough patches. I was irritable, depressed and super anxious all the time. But I was also high as the sky constantly fighting the depression with excessive partying and drinking.
I was so proud to post this after working out and going to the gym 1-2 times a day just so I could look back and think “Wow I was cute at 21 in Vegas with my friends on Spring break.” But what you don’t see is that what brought my body to this point was crippling anxiety and depression to the point where I couldn’t get myself to do anything other than go to the gym because it was the only thing that made me feel better. It was a low point. If you read my stuff regularly you know I struggle with bipolar disorder – the battle of feeling high and low constantly. Its a vicious cycle that I could try to explain to you for hours and I never could. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s weird I don’t even really talk about it when I should or need to I just kind of hope something starts to make sense soon. So anyway – I lost 13 lbs in a month an a half. That’s it. You won’t see that I actually was my most insecure here because it looks like I’m a shining f*cking star. You wouldn’t know because I’d never tell you. If I had to change this caption from complimenting my weight loss, I would change it to “Thank you depression, I might look good on the outside, but I would trade back those 13lbs to feel just as good within.”
Lets go to the next one: Go me! I’m drinking green beer, I’m celebrating St. Patties day and life is great. I’m a senior at the University of Delaware and I’m having the time of my life. But let me tell you again, that is just the surface.
Not seen: The panic attack I started to have in the middle of a crowded bar to the point where my heart raced, I felt like the walls were closing in on me and everyone was moving in a fast pace while I was in slow motion. You wont see me walking down the street crying because I can’t take the attack and I have no idea why it’s happening. You wont see how a random guy came up to me and brought me into a strangers house to sit me on the couch and calm me down. You won’t see how I left all my friends and locked myself in my room for hours hysterically crying because the anxiety and depression became too much. You wont hear the phone calls I made or feel the weight of the world on my shoulders like it felt like it was. All you’ll see is me double-fisting my green beers, living life like there’s no tomorrow.
There’s a million more but what I’m trying to get across is you can’t believe everything you see. You can’t think that just because someone’s life looks one way, that’s how it truly is. Or that because someone only shows you what they want you to see that that’s all there is to them either. Social media isn’t real. Don’t compare your life to others. Everyone is stuck in their own battle within whether its a mental illness or an insecurity about the size of their hips in a picture. No ones life is what it seems on social media and trying to measure up to others is not important. You have no idea what could be going on behind closed doors.
And that’s all I have to say today.