Fuckboys 101: Why I’ll exploit myself to save you

If you follow me on twitter (which you should @irenekoutz ) you’ll notice that last night I went on an a little rant of my experiences with everyone’s least favorite species of male – the Fuckboy. 

I have known many, I have dated them, and I’ve let them date me. Yes, there’s a difference because when you let them date you it goes back to the fact that you know you’re dating one before it begins, but when you date them it’s truly an innocent gesture that ultimately exposes their real identity.

But lets back track a second- 

I’m a sensitive person. If you read what I write, I’m assuming you’ve figured that out by now. But I’m also extremely guarded and have a pretty give-no-fucks attitude about most things in my life. This isn’t because I’m damaged, or messed up or anything like that – I just genuinely look for happiness in every aspect of my life and if you get in my way then fuck you. You don’t have that right.

I like to think that I’m the entertaining friend in the group. I’ve also always been told I’m the entertaining friend in the group, so that’s reassuring. I like to think I’m funny and that people like what I say because it’s usually exactly like it is. So what I’m going to show you today is just how funny I can be by exploiting myself and all the things that Fuckboys have done to me in order to teach you, my lovely reader, just how to avoid them. If you finish reading this and you’re laughing but actually kind of cringing inside – my job is done. And I hope you learn something before having to deal with it yourself.

Ok ready? First of all if you happen to get not ONE but TWO good morning texts from a guy and it’s not one in blue (iMessage) and one in green (Text Message) that occurred from losing service or getting on the  subway, my friend, you have just fallen victim to the Fuckboy.  I’m talking two separate messages (see image below; this is a real screen shot that I’ve had in my photos for years)

So do we get the picture? See now there’s a huge problem here – I RESPONDED. Even when my gut told me holy shit no no no – I gave the benefit of the doubt. I was about 18 here and clearly clueless. Ladies, do not respond to the double good morning. The one thing that truly stumps me is that I still do not know which one was for me. Did I get the smiley? Or did I just get the heart. The world and I, will never know.

I will tell you this though – I eventually found out who that second text was going to proving my senses were on point and I am indeed not crazy at all. Just an FYI.

But lets keep going. I talked about going on a date where the guy called me an expensive date. Let me give some background on this – this was a first date (and a last.) We went to Black Tap Burger which is Instagram famous for its milkshakes, which he insisted we ordered at the end. Sounds good, right? Wrong. After two burgers, two beers and two monstrous milkshakes, our bill came out to $86.00. Want to know the first problem with this scenario? Fuckboy let me see the bill. He didn’t even try to make a point of keeping it from me. But rather sighed when the bill came and pushed it between us so we could both look at it. Ha ha ha… I don’t give a shit if it’s 2016 and you think gender roles are bullshit. I’m pretty clear on my gender (Girl) and you (Boy) better remember that I’m the girl and you asked me out therefore you are paying.  Anyway, I never took my wallet out and you shouldn’t either. The rest of the night went fine but I was already positive this would be a last time. When I got home, he texted me about being an expensive date and then proceeded to just say that next time we would have to choose somewhere lighter on the wallet. Well, date #2 was definitely lighter on the wallet because date #2 never happened.

Moral of the story? Do not date anyone who calls you expensive over an $86 dollar dinner they offered to take you on. If you do choose to go on date #2 make sure you forget your wallet and ask them to take you to this low-key place called Tao Downtown.

If you thought I was done, I’m not. Here’s a good one. Ladies, if someone is looking for a second chance with you (because they blew it on chance #1) and you find yourself in the hospital, after a car accident, with a concussion and haven’t heard from them in a few hours because you think they’re asleep and getting ready for work or school the next day – think again. They might actually be too busy swiping on tinder and you’ll know that because your friends will catch them as being active at that time! Wow, amazing! You couldn’t text me back to ask how my time in the fucking hospital is but you can swipe right to get distracted for a few minutes? I got you.

But wait ladies it actually gets better than this. An asshole might actually come clean and say you’re right, admit they were being a piece of shit and maybe even add in that it meant nothing. But a TRUE Fuckboy will actually craft a fake email between them and Tinder claiming that their account was hacked in a desperate attempt to make you believe them.

Moral of this story? If ya mans is saying his tinder is hacked, I promise you his tinder is not hacked. Find yourself a new mans.

Did you think I was done? No. Here’s a quick one. How to find the perfect excuse to delete a fuckboy off SnapChat: Wait for him to send you a pic of a bare naked ass of the girl he just fucked after he’s been trying to hook up with you for some time now. Yeah, this actually happened to me too. Safe to say I have never spoken to him again although he still likes my Instagram pictures and I am seriously confused as to why that is. My guy, there is no chance.

I have a lot more but I’ll leave you with this one. If a guy is taking you on dates, taking you to family gatherings, maybe even calling you his girlfriend but tells the side chick that you are a family friend, please dear Lord, do not continue to date him when she comes clean and gives you the inside scoop on what he’s doing to you. You are better than that. And when you learn he didn’t get you flowers that Valentines day because he was actually with her, please do yourself the favor and get yourself a new Valentine for the next year.

No Fuckboys were harmed or named during the writing of this piece.

(Not that I’d really give a shit)

xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

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