I feel relieved.
I used to think I would never get over a broken heart.
Flashback to when I was 14: I fell head over heels for a boy, and throughout the majority of my high school years he was it. There was no walking away there was no moving on, I had tunnel vision – and he was the light. As wonderful as he was, he couldn’t give me what I longed for. And that was his heart in return.
Looking back, I was definitely in love with him. But it was the unhealthy and dangerous kind of love, the one that is unreciprocated and empty. It was the kind that you chase and chase until you run out of steam and have no choice but to let it go.
Almost a year after it all ended, I stumbled upon love. The real kind, the reciprocated kind. And that is who I now refer to as my first true love.
But there’s something to be said about the second time around; it teaches you that great things can happen more than once.
I have this theory that good true love is the one that is most easily tarnished and damaged. If it’s not true, it won’t see pain, and it won’t cause you to sit there and fight, it won’t take any effort. And if that’s the case then that’s when you know it doesn’t exist between you and the other person at all – or anymore.
When this love comes around, it’s one that leaves you breathless. It’s the kind that knows all of you, every last dark corner of your soul and chooses you as their light. It’s the kind that wakes you up on a Sunday morning, looks into your eyes and suddenly you’re dreaming again.
This is the kind of love that brings you peace within, unconditional support and never gives up. It’ll make you believe that this is it, this is the one and nothing and no one else can possibly matter.
But when it ends because it was beaten and bruised up, it will be all too familiar to the first time you were left hopeless.
And that’s when you learn the greatest lesson of them all:
You will never have any control over the amount of pain another heart inflicts upon yours, no matter how reciprocated the feelings are.
It’s the kind that has so much passion, just as much intimacy and ten times the amount of power over you. It’s the same one that finds you at two in the morning sitting in the car crying into each others arms wishing it would have ended differently. It’s also the kind that leaves you in silence because you’ve run out of anything that could make a difference anymore.
It’s the kind that teaches you you can’t blame yourself for everything and that getting caught up in things that you can’t change causes more damage than good. It teaches you that you were never always right and they were never always wrong, and that there’s no correct answer to any of it.
It shows you in time that you can once again remove yourself from a world that you both created and accept that you were always living in a world you could call your own again.
It’s the kind that makes you miss the endless laughing, smiles and even tears. Those tears remind you it was real every time and that you can only hope for another love as strong and as raw. But it will also make you realize that sometimes memories are all we have left.
But mostly it makes you hope for nothing but the better for both of you, and not just yourself. That’s the thing about love that is reciprocated, you find yourself wishing for nothing but endless happiness and a new life that was worth going through the one you had with each other. It’s the kind that reminds you it’s all a learning experience that will eventually have just paved another way to your final destination.
And if you can look back with a smile and not a regret or pain in your heart then that is when you can finally stop holding your breath because you have just beat a broken heart, you’re moving on.